Trying to find more

I feel like I've been going through life over the last few years just doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. Like there's this predetermined list for people to follow depending on where they live. They have that job. They own that car. They have the kids. They fit that look.

You know what I mean?

I don't think that there is anything wrong with this way of life. A lot of people are happy in it and I think that's great.  But I was just eh about life, and that's not enough for me. I want to be happy.

Truly, undeniably, inexplicably happy.

I know that there are going to be issues in life - cancer, death, car trouble, dirty diapers. Those are a given. But I believe anyone can be truly happy despite those things, maybe even in part because of those things.

"That's silly, Lauren. Nothing on that list is ever a good thing."

I know. They're not. They're terrible and heart-wrenching and part of the sin-filled world we live in. But, that's just it. It's part of THIS world.

It won't be part of the next.

As a Christian I have this fire in my heart knowing that all of the terrible, tragic, terrifying things I face in this world are only fleeting. They're but a moment in the great expanse of eternity.

And on the other side of all of this hurt and all of the shit that happens to good people, there's a God waiting with open arms, waiting and watching and intervening on my behalf and bringing comfort to the pain and moments of peace in the chaos and people who love me at just the right moments. All I need to do is trust.

I forgot all of that for a little while. I was looking for happiness under every stone and around every corner. I forgot to look up and ask for it.

Paul and I have been on a journey over the last year or so. One that's taught us so much about each other, about ourselves, and about our faith. We've had experiences that have brought more joy than we knew was possible and we've also fallen so deep into despair we didn't know if we could get out.

Typing this is hard. It's hard to be vulnerable when you don't know who's on the other side of the screen or what they're thinking.

But then I think about the people I turned to when I needed help, or the things I read when I couldn't find the words to speak, and that makes it worth the potential embarrassment I'll feel or the judgement I'll receive from people who just don't understand.

I think God was calling us back, calling me back through those experiences. I got so caught up in the little comfort bubble I was living in that I no longer wanted to venture out. I told God that I would serve Him, but only so long as I could do it from the comfort of what I already knew, all the while looking to others or to things to fill the empty space in my heart.

I knew this was wrong. I know when you say, "I'm here, send me," you're supposed to be fully there, fully ready to jump into the freezing water naked with no hesitation. And that wasn't me. I was ready to maybe dip my big toe in - as long as it was warm enough.

Sound familiar to anyone?

I don't think God causes pain on purpose. He's a loving God who hates to see His kids hurting, but I do think He uses the pain that we go through for His plan. And through my pain He showed me that I needed to show up. Completely.

I don't have the space or my reader's patience to tell you everything I've learned or everything we've been shown to bring us closer to who we are as a couple and who we are in Christ, but throughout this last year God has been telling me that I need to do more. I need to be more. I need to put myself out there - more.

More, God?

More than putting my heart on paper for anyone to read? More than I'm doing at work? More than the wife I'm trying to be?

Yes. More.

I don't know what God is going to do through this new business venture¹ I'm starting over the next few months. I don't even know what it's going to look like tomorrow. But I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that this is the more I've been searching for and the beginning of the more God has been calling me to.

I finally opened my eyes and I opened my heart and said, "Ok, God. Show me what to do." And this is where I ended up.

Will I attract any clients?

Will I make any money?

Is my writing really good enough for this?

What is everyone else going to think?

I'm excited and I'm nervous and I'm anxious. But above all of that, I'm at peace. I'm beginning to feel the happiness I've been looking for despite all of the unknowns.

I have so much to learn about life and love and faith and joy - but I'm starting by trying to show up completely for God. I'm trying to change my habits and give more of myself and less of my excuses.

It's helpful to remember that behind all of the failure, all of the hurt, all of the embarrassment, there's a faithful God with an outstretched hand, ready to lead me through this shit-filled world until it's time to go to my forever home. And I so badly want Him to be proud of me.

As I re-read this post, I realize it's a bit of a mess. But so is my life. I hope you can glean some truth from the words I've spilled here.

¹My business is a freelance writing endeavor called Words. If you'd be so kind to like my Facebook page, I'd really appreciate it! You can see my current services here.

*HUGE shoutout to Kendra Kunnari of Kunnari Design who designed my logo. She's a rock star.

*Thank you, Danielle, for helping to open my eyes to my potential.