4 Years, 5 Lessons
Let's get real for a moment, shall we?
Marriage. Is. Hard.
I've been married for 4 years, and I realize if you're already married I'm preaching to the choir. But it's the truth. It's tough. It's messy. It's sometimes painful. But it's also beautiful if you know how to turn those growing pains into lessons learned (and try to stop repeating them. I say try because it takes LOTS OF PRACTICE).
In our 4 years, we've had to overcome a few hurdles, go around some blockades, and help each other over some walls. Tall ones. With broken glass bottles on the top, like they have around compounds in other countries, know what I'm sayin'?
These situations that either made me feel like I was drowning or like I wanted to strangle my husband are passed, and I've been able to look back and see the good that has come out of them and the way that, one painful little step at a time, they helped to push us outside our comfort zone and into a better, happier, more fulfilled life and marriage. I always try to be open and honest about my life, and I figured why not hang out all my dirty laundry on our anniversary? No time like the present.
I'd like to share 5 lessons that came out of our growing pains, either to help out those who are just married, those thinking about getting married, or for those who are just nosy. Because I see you, and I'm not judging. Humans as a whole are nosy.
So here's my life! Welcome.
First though, a little background on me and my partner. If you're new, my name is Lauren. I'm married to Paul. As the title suggests, we've been married four years. Almost to the minute as I'm typing this. We met through a mutual friend, we fell in love over text messages, tractor rides, and snowy kisses on cold December nights. We endured a long-distance relationship for nearly four months, then the aftermath of trying to figure how to "be a couple" again. We dated for a total of 13 months, and we were engaged for the longest six months of my life. The long and short of it; nearly six years squeezed into a few sentences. Makes you realize how short life is, doesn't it?
5. The Wedding is Just the Beginning
With so much emphasis placed on perfecting the festivities around 'I do,' the actual thought of marriage and the years to come gets put on the back burner. Now that I think about it, I may have actually taken these thoughts off the burner and shoved them into the junk drawer.
There's life after the wedding?! I actually wake up with this dude every single day?! What do you mean he doesn't want to eat all the exact same foods as me or have the same sleep schedule?
Our honeymoon was a.w.f.u.l. Worst vacation of my life (besides when I went to Toronto with my family and my boyfriend cheated on me, but I digress). We (I) had been so caught up in the wedding planning that we hadn't spent enough time life planning. Which was ironic because I didn't really enjoy wedding planning and I "let" my mom and sister do most of it for me.
When the time came to walk the other way, back up the aisle, with this stranger that I was suddenly expected to live with, I had no idea how to do it. Ouch, painful first few years of marriage.
Suggestions: Take time to find some good books about marriage, talk with those who are older and wiser, talk about something other than the color of the napkins with your fiance during those crucial, lovey-dovey, heart-eye filled months leading up to the wedding.
4. There's No Room for Selfishness
Letting it all hang out there for ya; when I got married I wanted it to be all about me. I wouldn't have been able to tell you that then, but looking back I realize how immature I was (am) and how much I had to learn (still do).
I thought that Paul's world should revolve around me and I completely disregarded him and his feelings. Oh my, huge mistake.
I took for granted his individuality and the fun quirks that make him unique and the face that he did actually have a life outside of me, shocking I know. I remember getting so upset with him for wanting to go to the farm, something that he had grown up doing and loving and that brought joy to his life. I didn't understand that aspect of his personality because I had not grown up farming and I didn't even try to see why it was important to him. Being selfish was a one-way street that led to a few cold-shouldered nights and tearful arguments. Granted, he had a few lessons to learn about limitations on his hobbies (like not leaving me on Christmas day to work on a tractor, ahem).
But it took way too long for me to see that helping him bring joy to his life would, in turn, bring joy into my life. I didn't understand the rewards that come from holding your spouse above yourself and trying to make their life easier and more enjoyable. It's so much simpler and more enjoyable to build a friendship with your spouse when you have a groundwork of trust, love, and laughter. And that starts with a strong faith and the willingness to put yourself second.
I'm still working on this one, babe. But I'll get there.
3. Don't Dismiss the Little Things
This intertwines with the selfishness thing, but I think it's important enough to repeat.
Your spouse has lived an entire life before you came into the picture. An entire life.
They may be starting to build a new future with you now, but they've fought battles you weren't around for. They've endured hardships you'll never understand. They have cares and concerns hidden so far in their heart that they may not even know they're there.
Take time to unpack all of these things*. Don't brush off the fact that your husband doesn't like it when the mail gets moved, or dismiss how your wife asks you the same question a million times. The little things that you may not understand could lead to a much deeper understanding of how your spouse, and ultimately your marriage, works.
Childhood memories, past experiences, beliefs that have been ingrained into the very fiber of their being - they reveal themselves in strange ways.
Don't let these little details get lost. Or worse, don't reprimand your spouse for their behavior until you truly understand why they're doing it. That annoying little habit may make complete sense and even be endearing once you understand the reason behind it.
And try to be patient. Figuring someone out isn't a quick practice. A lifetime can't be re-lived in a day. A week. A year.
*If these 'little things' are destructive, abusive, or dangerous, that's not ok. Get the help you need.
2. Life Wasn't Made to be Lived Alone
Even God says it's not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18).
I spent too long relying solely on myself. I didn't let anyone in and I didn't reach out for the help I needed. Even my spiritual life took a hit.
Huddled within yourself is no way to handle a marriage.
Marriages are meant to be a life shared with another person; bearing their burdens and sharing in their joys. I took that privilege away from Paul by thinking that I could do it on my own. I blocked him out of the most vulnerable parts of my heart and, in turn, our marriage suffered.
Honestly, I think in the darkest places of my heart I had this fear that Paul was not going to be around forever. Why? I have no idea. His parents have a healthy marriage. My parents have been the best example of a partnership. Maybe it was a feeling I couldn't shake from past relationships or something that the entertainment industry had planted. I really don't know.
But thank goodness God flipped our lives around and showed me that vulnerability with your spouse is the only way a marriage can grow and flourish. There is now no doubt in even the furthest recesses of my mind that Paul is in it for the long run and always has been. I'm learning to lay out my issues and hold up my heart to both my husband and my Father.
It's so freeing. I recommend seeking out this change before God places it in your lap. Which brings me to my final point:
1. Seek God First
This lessons really needs no caption.
God absolutely needs to be number one in your marriage. I realize this is easier said than done, but I can't say it enough. Work on this; every single day. Pray for your spouse. Pray together. Ask God for guidance in your marriage. Thank God for your spouse. Thank God for your life.
Just keep Him first and everything else is so much simpler.
Paul, I love you.
You're the best part of me and I cannot imagine doing this life with anyone else. Thanks for holding me close through good times and bad. You're a dream.
How long have you been married? What words of wisdom do you have that might help someone else coming up behind you? Please share them below.