Living Loved

I don't even know what this post is about as I sit here in Mississippi. I'm so lost you guys, I'm honestly so lost. In life, in love, in spirituality. I used to believe that I had life figured out. At 24 or less. Can you imagine if that were true? To be 24 and have life figured out? I could sell so many books. Turns out I'm full of shit. Life is hard. Life is confusing. Life is just.... I don't even know. It's beautiful and frustrating and terrible and awesome and... just so many things.

I've spent the last week fixing up a house that, honestly, will probably need to be fixed up again in six months or less. But that doesn't frustrate me. Some people get so upset that they come back and year after year after year, and nothing seems to change here in Mississippi. They think that their being here a week will somehow change the mindset that the people of MS have grown up with, have been taught, have been submerged in for however many years they've been alive. And you think we'll change them by doing some work in a week? Girl, please. Plus who's to say that what we believe is what's correct? Who's to say that they don't have something figured out that we don't? Get off your high horse.

No, that doesn't bother me. What does bother me goes so much deeper than a coat of paint or a dirty floor. It goes to the heart of the situation. It goes into the depths of who we are as people, as human beings, as children of the King.

I talked to one of our team members today about why I write. I don't write to be read. I don't write to help others - though that has been a wonderful side effect - I write because it helps me figure out what's going on in my own life. I write because I don't understand the world around me. I write because I don't like that some people have to grow up with holes in their ceilings and hunger in their bellies. I write because I don't understand why some people sit in their plush homes and complain about the paint color in their second guest bathroom.

Some things in life I think come with age. The ability to discern good advice from bad, the wisdom to know what relationships to put effort into, the best place to get a really good cheeseburger. It all comes with time and experience.

And I don't have that. I so badly want to be older. I so badly want to have more knowledge, more wisdom, more of an ability to understand the world around me. My dad asked my husband and I the other day if we were afraid to turn 30, because that's right around the corner. And honestly, I can't wait. I'm hoping that in the next 5ish years I'll learn more about life, about love, about relationships, about every freaking thing in life. Ugh.

So what's the answer to not knowing what's going on? What's the answer to feeling like you're drowning in every single situation you encounter? What's the answer to feeling like everyone else in the world knows more about your own life than you do?

It's realizing that I'm loved. I'm loved by my Savior. He knows what's happening in my life, He knows what's going to happen in the next five minutes, the next five months, the next five years. He has a reason for the struggles I'm going through right now, and a reason for the struggles I'll go through twelve years from now. I don't understand so many of the situations I've been brought to and brought through, but He does. And that is literally the only reason I'm still ok. I have faith that all of these struggles, all of this mess, both here in MS and in my own life, will make sense at some point. One day I'll be able to look back on my life and say, "Ya, this is the reason I went through that shit. And it all makes sense now."

And if not, if that day never comes and I never truly understand this life this side of Heaven, that will be ok, too. I trust that God knows what He's doing and that He's doing it for a reason.

And I know that I'm loved. And right now, in this mess and this hurt and this complete and utter frustration, that's enough. He's enough. This post is a mess, but so is life.