Learning to Love my Husband

I've always prided myself on being independent. Almost to a fault. Ok, very much to a fault. I don't like depending on people. Like at all. I'll hurt my back at work trying to lift a box that's way too heavy before I'll ask for help from my very capable coworker sitting a few feet away. Maybe I'm also stubborn.

So it's no surprise I had this same attitude going into my marriage. "I can do it. I'll be myself and just add his life to mine."

Obviously anyone who's married knows that's a terrible attitude for a newly married person to have. I know that now. I knew that then. I knew it through the arguments, the curtains I drew around my feelings, the way he cared about how I was doing though I didn't feel it necessary to tell him. I knew. But I didn't do anything about it.

I took my husband for granted. I didn't care for him, I didn't love him the way I should have, I didn't share my life with him the way a wife is supposed to. Instead of molding and shaping each other and growing together like a unit, I kept my life to myself. I showed him the pieces that weren't vulnerable. I tried to deal with life's pressures on my own and I neglected my partner. Now don't get me wrong, I loved him from day one. A lot. Just maybe not in the right way.

It took until recently for me to realize. I took a step back and I asked God why our marriage wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be. "How come we argue? How come he doesn't know me as well as I think he should? How come I don't feel as close to him as I think I'm supposed to?"

It dawned on me (actually, God showed me) that I was the same person I had been before marriage. Before he showed me he accepted every single part of me. Before he vowed to love me forever. Before he bent over backwards to make me happy. He had changed for me, he had given up certain things and taken on others, he had gone out of his way to make sure our future was something we would both be happy with. And me? I was sitting on my ass like a fool. Watching him make these changes to his life while I twiddled my thumbs and picked my nails (nasty habit, how do I quit?)

No wonder we weren't working, huh? I realized that I needed to open my heart and my life and let him see me, all of me, every part of me. Even though it was uncomfortable and very much against the norm.

So, I did.

Recently, after nearly three years of marriage. I started to let him in. I showed  him every part of me. He's now seen it all; he knows that I get hangry, he knows that I hate to do laundry, he knows I have no filter whatsoever (thank goodness he has thick skin). And, despite my shortcomings, despite my imperfect flaws that I tried so freaking hard to hide, he loves me. He accepts me. He's shown me what love looks like. I can't even describe how much of a relief it is. I didn't realize all the joy that comes with sharing every part of your life with someone; the good and the bad.  It's acceptance to a degree I will never understand. A God-given relationship that I took for granted for nearly three years.... I now know I couldn't live without him.

My advice for newly married couples would be to go all in, right away. Don't wait for it to get easier or your problems to be less. Let your worst parts hang out (literally or figuratively, they'll figure it out eventually ;) ) and just be yourself. Your spouse would not have married you if they didn't like what they were getting into. And then you do the same, accept them and show them their ugly parts are beautiful to you, and that problems can and should be worked out together. It takes a while, I get that. There will be tough times, there will be heartache, but it will all be followed, trailed closely, by a love that surpasses anything else (until I have kids, I'm told). I couldn't imagine my life without my husband. I thank God he stuck through my stubbornness and waited for me to realize how amazing marriage can truly be. Obviously we have a long ways to go and we're still learning new things every day, but this was a huge step. And if you can learn from my mistakes, then they were worth it. We're here to help each other, right?

Thank you for your patience, husband. I love you.