Dancing with the Devil

The music pauses. I won't do this again. I won't get stuck in the rut, I won't make the wrong decisions and fall back into the old routine. I will rise above the person I was. I will make better choices. I will be a bigger, better person than I was yesterday.

I won't let the hold that the Devil has on me control me any longer. I won't let him slip into the cracks of my subconscious, oozing the self-doubt that he breeds. I won't let him make me believe I'm not good enough. I won't let past mistakes define who I am or where I am or what I am.

I'll rise above the things that make me human. I'll rise above the bad habits and bad people and bad language that fill my head. I'll ignore the temptations.

He knows how to get me. He knows how to trick me, where my triggers are. He knows how to side-step my feeble attempts to be more-than-human. He knows my weakness and how to break me down and bring me to my knees. The perfect place to pray, but also the most vulnerable place to be. He knows how to hold me down and pour obscenity into my ear, filling my thoughts with filth and clouding my judgement beyond recognition. Like driving under the influence, he pushes me just a bit further than I should go. He knows the danger of being in the situations he puts me in. He brings me back to the worst moments in my life and reminds me of what I've done wrong, all the things I haven't accomplished. All of the regrets that plague my dreams and the darkest places of my memory.

The music starts again. I'm trapped in this endless cycle of not knowing where to go or how to stop. He's stronger than me. His enticements get me every time. My will to change doesn't hold up against his will to keep me. My feet hurt. The dance is too long; it's too much. It's overwhelming. I'm ready to give up.

Then the music changes. It slows. It calms. It's not the fast rhythm that sends me into a downward spiral, that makes me feel I have no control over anything. A new Partner comes. A Partner that is kind. A Partner that is soft, forgiving, loving. This new Partner leads, but He doesn't push. He knows the moves and He gently guides me through them. He is patient when I stumble, when I fall back into the old dance; the one I've been doing so long I know by heart. He understands that change takes time, and He forgives when I step on His toes, when I don't remember the moves, and when I blame Him for messing things up.

He holds me up when I fall. He shows me there are other ways to dance through life. It doesn't all have to be harsh and fast and dirty. It doesn't have to stay the same as it always was. It can change; I can change. I do change. He shows me how.

My feet don't hurt so bad anymore. I don't feel like quitting. I don't want this music to pause, I want it to continue forever. Slowly, I begin to recognize the moves. I begin to anticipate what He wants, where He's leading, and where I need to be.

This dance takes time to learn, though. I'll be learning it until the day the music stops for good. He'll be leading me through it until this earthly dance ends. But it's calming music. It takes me out of my comfort zone, showing me moves I've never seen and I'm not always comfortable doing. But with my new Guide, I'll try anything. I trust Him. It's not scary. It's not harsh. It's not making me stumble and fall, getting trampled beneath those who would see me fail.

My Guide is strong, He is humble, He is kind, He is loving. He has patience when I fail and He is showing me that not all dancing is bad. That dancing can be enjoyable. He shows me that I can be happy with this new dance. I hope this song never ends.