An Open Letter to my Ex

To my Ex, I don't know if this will find you. I don't even know where you are or who you are anymore. I don't know what you're doing with your life, who your friends are, or where your favorite place to eat is. And that's ok.

We parted company long ago, leaving each other to pick up the pieces of a relationship that wasn't meant to be. And I think we both found our way ok. I think we both realized that, in the end, being apart was better than being together. But that doesn't change the fact that we were together.

It doesn't change the fact that we weren't good for each other during our short romance. It doesn't change the fact that it took me years to bury the scars of a relationship that started too fast and matured too soon. It was the type of relationship that high schoolers were not meant to know because we were too naive to understand. I didn't get that then, but I get it now. And I want to say I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. I didn't know how to be supportive or understanding. I was selfish and stupid and young. And I hurt you.

I'm sorry I blamed you for everything that went wrong. I didn't want to realize at the time that it takes two to make things work, but it also takes two to make things go wrong. I should have apologized, I should have stood up for myself, and I should have let you know what I was thinking instead of hiding behind tears and screams and a closed door. I was weak and I let you see the worst of me.

And I'm sorry I hated you for so long afterwards. I truly felt that you were the root of all my problems. I saw our relationship as the poison that sucked the sunshine out of my life and I blamed you for the pieces I had to tape back together when I met my husband. Just thinking about you or the time we spent together made me see red and want to travel back in time and erase it. It took me until recently to realize that everything we had, everything we went through, the good and the bad, helped to shape me into the person I am today, and for that I actually want to thank you.

I am where I am because of the role you played in my life. I understand that now.

I understand that I would not have found my husband, I would not have had the friends that I have, I would not have been able to understand what others are going through without you. And while there are things I should have, could have, wish I would have done differently, while I should have ended things with you differently, while I regret the way I treated you and the person you saw me become, I am thankful for the time you were a part of me.

I hope you'll forgive me for being young and misunderstanding what love is supposed to mean. I am such a different person now and I know in my heart that you are, too.

If this letter finds you, I hope it finds you well and at peace with your life. I hope you know that I forgive you for everything that happened between us and I pray that you've forgiven me, too. I'm sorry this couldn't come from me in person, years ago, like it should have. But I've found the words and I've found myself and I just wanted you to know.