I’ve been avoiding writing this post because part of me doesn’t want to give up the little false sense of control I feel I have over my life.

I’m the kind of person who will order a new planner, one I’ve spent hours picking out, tell myself I’m going to get my life together and use said planner (because I’ve somehow equated being able to write my schedule on a piece of paper with success), and that this year is going to be my year. Anyone else?

I’ll even admit I went so far as to spend freaking $65 on a planner last year. It was nice. It had all the stickers and the little lines for notes about how proud of yourself you were. It was beautiful. Still is beautiful. And mostly blank, if anyone wants it (it’s only a year behind!).

I’ve fallen prey to thinking that if I spend some time at the beginning of the year to plan out my year, it will go exactly as I want it to. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe there is tremendous value in setting expectations and having goals and dreams that you strive towards, but I took it to an extreme. I would set such unrealistic expectations for my life, and then feel totally and completely worthless when those expectations weren’t attainable. Failing to reach the stars I had placed so high only left me feeling deflated and defeated when the truth is, I can’t predict how my life is going to turn out.

The beginning of last year, I had absolutely no idea what we were in for. I didn’t know about the medications, the medical revelations, the fatigue, the sadness, the disappointments. I couldn’t have predicted the path our lives would take and how that would “set me back” when it came to what I thought I wanted to accomplish with my career and in my personal life.

It was a frustrating year, there’s no doubt about it, but as I look back on it and reflect, I can see a thread running throughout each situation, a thread made of a precious fabric that I cannot afford. I see God weaving His way through my life and through our marriage, through our trials and in our joys. I see His thread tying every single day together and all the many ways He’s shown me throughout this last year that He is ultimately in control, and that He will ultimately bring glory to Himself through our situations - good and bad.

I accomplished close to 0% of the things I wrote in my big yearly plan last January, and I’m trying to be ok with it. When I look back on this year I don’t see a lot of financial or business growth, but I do see a lot of personal, relational, and spiritual growth. I see that we’re where God wants us. And I see that no matter how much time I spend planning, how much money I put towards the perfect planner, or how frustrated I might be when things don’t go my way, He’s ultimately in control (duh).

I think I might be catching on to what He’s trying to tell me because I didn’t break out a brand new planner this week. I didn’t set unrealistic goals that will baffle me at year’s end. I decided that instead, I’m going focus on one word this year: surrender.

Surrendering is not something I’ve been keen on doing in the past. The thought of not having any semblance of control over my life is one of the few things that gives me anxiety, which is how I know it’s one area I really need to work on.

In 2019 I will focus on:

• surrendering my time

• surrendering my expectations

• surrendering my heart

• surrendering my health

• surrendering my relationships

Writing those out is hard. It’s hard for me to give up the control I like to feel. It’s hard to realize that life doesn’t always turn out how we’d hoped. But I have faith that God has started a good work in me and He will bring it to completion. I have faith that He is working in our lives and even the thought of being the tiniest little part of a plan that brings glory to Him sets my heart on fire and reminds me surrender is worth it.

Jeremiah 10:23: “LORD, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.” Direct my steps oh Lord, I’m trying to surrender to you.