Moving Forward

I just looked back and I haven't blogged for months. Months. And before that, it had been a while. And before that, a while longer. When blogging is something I say I'm so passionate about, and then I'm so silent for months on end, what does that say? How do I view my passions when I let them lie dormant in my heart for so long?

I got to thinking the other day about my writing. Personally, professionally; for an audience or just for me and my paper. And I realized that while others may think I'm naturally good at this, for me, writing - speaking from the heart -  is just so dang personal. It's hard to put on a page, into words, what my heart cries out in the middle of the night. It's hard to explain to you all the amount of tears that go into a post or the heartache that lies at the center of a message. And so instead of trying, instead of letting you see the broken pieces of me scattered where they are; I've been silent. Silently picking up the pieces and quietly shoving them under the rug, hoping nobody will notice. Or worse yet, over the past few months I've given you a picture of me that's far from genuine. I just didn't have the words.

But I don't know if that's fair of me. Let me rephrase that - That's not fair of me. I can't sit here and tell you all that we should be more open, more willing to let the heartache show, being honest with our neighbor and with ourselves about what's going on behind closed doors; all the while I'm peeking through the keyhole with shades drawn and lights out. I can't expect to earn or keep your trust if I don't offer you the same open book I'm asking you to show.

When I started blogging a few years ago, I really thought I had a good grip on life. Don't we all, when we're young? (Still young, I know) I thought I could sit behind my screen and tell you what's what and how to live and what faith is and how to get over these terribly difficult circumstances that I hadn't even an inkling of.

Sitting here now thinking about where I was two, three years ago, it's crazy to me. It's crazy how when we ask God for more wisdom, for more understanding, for a heart that is more receptive to the pain and the darkness of the world around us, He not only answers, He brings out the big guns and says, "HERE! This is what you asked for, plus a little extra." Why the extra? I can only guess it's His way of preparing me for something in the future.

So here I am, sitting in front of you with my book more open than it's been in a year. And it's hard. This is hard, guys. Writing is therapy for me and we only need therapy when there's been a glitch.

The devil attacks us where it hurts. He sneaks into the nooks and crannies and fills the crevices of our subconscious with his vile poison. He knows where I am weak, and he knows what I struggle with and I hate it. I hate that he has such intimate knowledge of my soul - but that's the cost of living in a fallen world.

For the last year he's been vying hard for my heart, my thoughts, my time. I started asking God to give me a better idea of what He wanted from me with my time on this earth, why He placed me where He did and how I could better serve Him and those around me. I asked for wisdom and a more open, understanding heart. And so for a year, I felt like I was going through a dark tunnel, leading me through lessons that were heartbreaking but necessary. And while my life book is now more open than it's been, I'm not really willing to share the intimate details of that year so openly. Not yet. So please bare with my vague details and over-generalizations. I'm trying - and I know you can relate to this, no matter the level of detail.

I struggled with whether or not to continue blogging. I haven't had a word to write for a year. I struggled with my identity and God's plan and the cards I'd been dealt. And in the moment, even now, it didn't make sense. Some of it still doesn't. But I do feel like I'm coming out of that tunnel. I do feel like there is a light that's getting brighter and my life is starting to once again fall back into place. You know how I can tell? I have words again. I want to write. I want to share. I want to show you what God's been doing in my life (and Paul's) and I want to come back into the world.

While I was working on this post, trying to decide if my ramblings are worth your time, I had a good friend come up to me out of the blue and tell me I needed to keep writing. So here I am. And here I will be. I'm going to keep writing and I'm going to start sharing with you the hard things. The life lessons. The way my heart has been changed and how our lives can never go back to where we were. And it's ok. It's ok that things have changed. Though it's been hard, it's been for the better and I can't help but wonder where God will lead us next. I hope you'll join me as I explore this beautiful life.

I'm going to be blogging a little differently, though. You can check out the video below and please leave me a comment with your thoughts and I guess we'll go from there.

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIVz_q7VKRA[/embed]