Grace Upon Grace

Can I just be way too personal with you? Just kidding - I do that in every post. I had a realization the other day. It was one of those moments that nearly brought me to tears and to my knees in thankfulness. I realized I love myself.

How simple it sounds: to love ones self. But oh how difficult it is in practice.

Don't get me wrong. I've always loved parts of myself. My mind, my abilities, my relationships. My hair, on certain days. But never have I loved all of me.

I know so so many women (I'm sorry men, I can't speak for you) can relate when I say there have been times - too many to count and enough to be ashamed of - where I've picked myself apart in the mirror. Pinching this or pulling that, wishing I could just lose five pounds or change the shape of my nose or this or that or the other thing - THEN I would be happy. Then I would be confident. Then I could live the life I was meant to live.

But not before that.

You know what that ends up doing? It stops us from pursuing Christ how we should. It keeps our attention on such insignificant details and our eyes off our greatest mission in this life: to love one another.

But how can we love each other fully if we harbor such hatred for ourselves? I realize hatred is a strong word, but think about it with me. If you don't like what you see, if you're upset every time you look in the mirror, if it keeps you from being the beautiful person you are and makes you hide behind a mask or clothing or an extra side of fries, isn't that hatred? Or close enough to it that I feel justified using that word.

I realized in my own life I was spending so much time being unhappy with this beautiful life I've been given. I've spent so much precious time idolizing how I look instead of giving thanks to the One who made me. It's hurt me in relationships and social situations and so many other areas of my life. And honestly, its exhausting. Isn't it?

So I said enough. And I loved myself the next day.

Ha! If only. We'd all be so happy.

It was quite a process. And it started with realizing that I had a problem, a sin that runs deep and a need for a Savior in so many ways. I took my problems to God and I've been praying for eyes that focus on more important things in life. For a heart that loves others more than my reflection in the mirror. For an attitude that doesn't care if I fluctuate a few pounds every now and then. And oh has God been faithful. It's taken so much work on my end to be happy with all of me, and while I admit I'm still not fully there and don't know if I ever will be, I can confidently say I love myself.

I love my scars. I love the few extra pounds I've gained because we're trying to have a baby. I love that I'm strong and can move and breathe and love and play and mow the lawn and hang out with my husband and work and write and draw and praise God and laugh and have deep conversations and pray and lay in the grass (just kidding there are bugs) and so many, many things. I love that I haven't stepped on a scale in goodness knows how long and I have no desire to anymore. I love that God is faithful and comes through when we ask and have our hearts in the right place. I love that I can love more fully.

And I know that God has granted me grace in this area because if I had one more thing to think about and obsess over I might literally refuse to get out of bed. What a precious Savior we serve.

So I pray for you today that you would look in the mirror and love what you see. That you would stop believing the devil's lies that you're somehow defined by that pair of jeans you'll never fit back into (and why should you? It's just a pair of jeans). That you would know grace upon grace and wake refreshed and full of joy. I actually found myself smiling at my lack of abs the other day - what?! What is this freedom I've not known in my 26 years? We all have flaws, and it's ok. Jesus is good. Grace is real. Thank God.

And while I'm not naive enough to believe it's all smooth sailing from here, I realize I'll have setbacks and struggles and days where I am a little disappointed with parts of me, this is step further in my journey than I've ever been and it's just been the best realization and has given me so much hope for the future and God's grace and His unending faithfulness.