I've been rather absent from social media lately. This isn't really a big deal, and I'm sure most of you haven't noticed, but for me it signaled something deeper going on. If you follow me on IG you know I like to share snippets of my day and talk about what's happening in my life. But I just haven't been able to lately. It's not that I didn't want to - I just couldn't. I've been exhausted.

Looking back now, I can understand why I'm so tired. For over a year I've been trying to act like everything is ok when there's been a perpetual volcano beneath the surface. It was hard for me to talk about arbitrary things with people I deeply cared about when the molten lava of what was happening behind closed doors was bubbling up in nearly every conversation. Swallowing words that are meant to be shared is a habit I do not recommend. I cannot even tell you the number of conversations I left with tears rolling down my cheeks because I didn't think my problem was big enough to share with that person.

I didn't realize the hold that self-doubt, worry, and misguided guilt had on me. I'm convicted the devil whispers lies in our ears to keep us in the dark, or to keep us alone in our worry and sadness, or to make us feel like our problems aren't good enough or big enough or important enough to share with those around us. And in that place of loneliness, the room that I locked from the inside, I was desperately trying to make it look like everything was ok and life was great and we were fine.

It's only been recently that I realized I was doing that - it's hard to see your faults in the moment. It's so much easier in hindsight to reprimand ourselves for what we shoulda woulda coulda done. But I didn't know. I didn't know I was carrying a weight that God did not mean for me to carry alone.

I couldn't figure out these past few weeks why I was so desperately exhausted, and it's just dawned on me recently that it's because I'm no longer carrying this weight. By opening up and sharing what's been happening and letting God's light break through the darkness, I've given myself permission to breathe. To cry. And to not be ok.

Friend I don't know why I'm writing this post. I was in the shower and something came over me that I just needed to share this with you right now. And I just feel like I need to tell you that you have permission to not be ok. You have permission to open up and be sad and vulnerable and broken. I'm finding each day that it's through the cracks of our brokenness that God's love gets through. And oh has His love come through. I feel His grace more closely now than I ever have, and I'm more desperate for His love and His presence than I've ever been before.

Don't sell yourself short and let your problems lock you in your guilt and sadness. Don't give the devil the satisfaction of tears cried when you think no one is watching.

I didn't want to be that person that was broken. I didn't want to let people know that we weren't as ok as we appeared. I was scared and ashamed and exhausted. But through the grace of God I've found that the community of believers we surround ourselves with is intense and uplifting and loving and more than I could ever ask for. Don't miss out on that.

I'm exhausted. But I'm lighter, and my heart doesn't feel so heavy. And through each conversation and each hug and each kind word, I see the hand of God at work in our lives.

(this post is what I refer to)