I think I've always just wanted to be "fine." Everything is fine. School is fine. Work is fine. Life is fine. The sunshine and birds chirping and rainbow in the distance is...fine. 

I realize now that part of this mindset was having hormone levels that were whack, but part of it was also denying my heart the chance to feel what it wanted to feel. (And not letting myself be who I wanted to be, but that is a WHOLE other post.)

I've always heard it's good to lean into your feelings and let yourself feel what's in front of you - good or bad/sad - but putting that into practice after a life of "fine" is a heck of a lot harder than saying it. Feel me? 

I think it's also hard for us, at least most of the people I know, to express those pent-up, difficult feelings because it's hard to be vulnerable - both with ourselves and with those around us, even if we love them dearly. It's hard to be in a spot that screams "I need help and I am absolutely NOT fine." It's just hard. Life is hard and accepting that is tough. 

After we had our first miscarriage, it took us nearly seven months to tell our families. Seven whole months of not leaning into the grief, the confusion, and the utter heartache. I told myself I was fine. I pretended like I had bounced back and everything would be ok. But just beneath the surface, a black lake had formed over my heart and shadowed everything I did and drowned all the joy I was presented with. 

And then our second miscarriage happened, and though I told my family immediately, I didn't let myself feel what my heart so desperately needed to feel: grief. I felt sad, yes, and I cried, yes, but I didn't lean into the pain I felt in my bones and I denied myself the time to mourn the child we had just lost. I just dipped my toes into that lake when what I really needed was to submerge myself.

I avoided anything real for the first few months. I didn't realize it at the time, but I didn't let myself indulge in any media that might bring those feelings bubbling to the surface or make me face that black lake. I hid. I told myself I was fine. I told my heart to stop hurting because it was inconvenient and I didn't have time for it.  

Crazy enough, that didn't work. It made me a shell of the person I was. I remember the first real movie I watched months later. Logan. I watched it by myself, and I was scared. I knew that it would be real and my heart was raw and feelings that had nothing to do with the movie would pour out of my soul. I bawled almost the entire movie. My heart was so tired, you guys. I couldn't take it anymore. 

I realized as I sat on the couch with tears pouring down my face for a movie that had nothing to do with anything all that real, that I was still broken. My heart was not fine. And grief needed to be laid out and embraced, not kicked and shoved under the rug. 

I'm not telling you all this for sympathy or to get a hug but to share with you sweet people the mistakes that I've made and learned from. I was having a conversation at church the other day with a dear friend who lost his wife not that long ago. We've bonded over heartache and though I wish our friendship was centered around something else, he's been such a source of joy and light in my life. He told me he wished people would talk more about what they're going through and give their hearts the chance to share what's happening beneath the surface because everybody has something. I wish that, too. I wish my friends and family would give me more of a chance to pray for them because I know now what an incredible blessing it's been to be on the receiving end. 

Whatever you might be going through, whether it's been a life-altering move, a death, or an inconvenience that's changed how you look at life, I encourage you to lean into the feelings you're feeling. I encourage you to talk with a trusted friend or family member and let them into that dark place so they can bring a light. I so wish I had opened up earlier and let people in, because my life is so full of light now. I don't want you to miss out on that. 

I don't want you to think you have to be "fine" or that what you're going through is somehow unimportant or insignificant. It is important. It is significant. YOU are important. Don't deny your heart the chance to feel what it needs to feel in order to embrace the life you have. Don't spend any more time trapped on the edge of that scary black lake. Dive in. Lean into your feelings and let them wash over you, so you can move into them and move forward with your life. It's hard - so incredibly hard - but it's harder not to.